Horse Head Mask

10 Out Of 10 Women Wearing Horse Head Masks Are Beautiful Affectionate Scientists Declare

HorseHeadAdmin — Sun, 07 Oct 2012 04:41:28 +0000

Waltham, MA—An affectionate team of compassionate, emotionally available scientists at Bentley College made a much needed press conference Tuesday disclosing the results of a long research study expressing that in a sampling of ten horse head mask wearing women, there was not even a single woman in the group who realized how beautiful she actually was. “In clinical trials, we determined that all of the women(100%) were fundamentally blind to the fact that they are incredibly beautiful, profound, and truly special, on the inside and out,” somewhat feminine and affectionate scientist Johnny Peterson said of the five-year, $20 million study targeted at showing all women what they just can not seem to figure out for themselves. “What is even more disturbing is that we discovered that 92 percent of horse head mask wearing women felt it was their duty to try to transform themselves into someone they aren’t. As a sensitive man and scientist, I feel they need to just look at themselves in the mirror and revel at who they actually are. And to me, they are just perfect!” The sympathetic and loving researchers of the brilliant study said their findings would soon be available to read in an upcoming publication of Women’s Health magazine, but more importantly it will always be available to any self conscious woman “anytime they just need to hear it.”

School Horse Head Masked Janitor’s Summer As Human Already A Distant Memory

HorseHeadAdmin — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 22:02:00 +0000

HOLLIS, NH—Only three short weeks into the start of the 2013 school year, Hollis High School janitor Ryan Britko’s fond, fun-filled memories of this past summer as a human being and viewed with respect and dignity have all but faded away, sources reported Monday. “Looking back, it almost seems like a fantastic wet dream, when back in June people treated me like a real person with actual feelings, concerns, hopes and aspirations as anyone else,” the horse head masked man-child, who for the duration of the school year will be addressed as “Bitchko,” said as he tiredly hunched over to scrub a hardened speckle of feces off the floor of the boys bathroom and tried to shun the group of 15-year-olds who blatantly pointed at him and laughed. “At times it’s difficult to imagine that for three full months I was surrounded by people who wouldn’t have a problem looking me in the eye, say hello, and even smile. Genuine smiles, too—no snickering grins. Summer is always the shortest time of the year for me, but for a while there, I was Ryan Britko, person.” Britko told news reporters he always keeps a framed picture of his family’s Fourth of July cookout by the lake in his tiny locker to remind him of his brief time as an actual and valued member of human society.

Horse Head Office Workers On Fourth Floor Are Pompous Pricks

HorseHeadAdmin — Sat, 26 May 2012 20:04:17 +0000

Manchester—Citing their dickish, snobbish attitudes and prissy, hip little wardrobes(which includes constant horse head mask wearing), a devastating new report comes in from Bennett Building sources found Monday that the guys who work on the fourth floor are a group of pompous pricks. “Taking partly into account how these dicks always bragging to each other about some new customer they just signed or some project or something and acting all cool, high and mighty, it is our determination that [the people on the fourth floor] are pretty much all douchebags,” the report read in part. “These horse mask wearing assholes don’t even try to look at you when you walk into the damn elevator, and they don’t laugh or even politely chuckle at your jokes, either. It’s like, ooh, sorry, people on the fourth floor, I guess we’re not all awesome and cool like you with your stupid horse heads. Dicks.” The report also mentioned there was that one woman that worked there who looks kind of like Sarah Jessica Parker who may have smiled once, so she might be cool with us, but the rest of those assholes can go to hell.

Going To Dinner With Horse Head Food Critic Friend A Huge Ordeal

HorseHeadAdmin — Wed, 23 May 2012 16:04:29 +0000

BOSTON—Going out to get some dinner with 37-year-old self-anointed horse head mask wearing gourmand Scott Murphy has become a colossal, irritating ordeal, infuriated friends confirmed Tuesday. “Once we all can finally compromise on a restaurant that is ‘authentic’ enough for Scott and his stupid horse head, he always ends up talking exclusively about how certain foods are prepared there or the chef’s culinary career up until that point instead of having an actual conversation with his friends at the table,” said best friend Tommy Joyce, 38, who recently chastised by Murphy on no fewer than five separate occasions for mispronouncing the names of foreign dishes. “Most of the time, Scott doesn’t even let you choose to order what you want, and instead you have to get some weird shit that a particular restaurant is ‘known for’—and I’ve ever seen Scott served any item that he didn’t have some huge problem with anyway.” Joyce added that he thought the traditional Japanese noodles Murphy recently forced him to try after waiting more than three hours for a ‘goddamn’ table at a new posh restaurant was “pretty decent” and not the “bland, pedestrian bullshit” the creepy horse head lover of food described.

Local Man Really Shook Up After Running Into Horse Head Mask Acquaintance At Rite Aid

HorseHeadAdmin — Fri, 18 May 2012 06:53:20 +0000

San Diego—A full 25 minutes after bumping into horse head mask wearing casual acquaintance Doug Myers at a Rite Aid drugstore Thursday and exchanging delightful small talk with him, area man Phil Downey, 33, told news reporters that he was still pretty shaken up by the whole interaction. “There I am in the shampoo aisle, and before I can covertly sneak away pretending that I didn’t seen him, he forcefully makes eye contact with me, and BAM—now I’m speaking about what I’ve been up to lately with this creepy horse head wearing dude I’ve never spoken to before in a pharmacy context like that,” said a still-reeling Downey, who upon exiting the drug store intentionally walked in a different direction from Myers, pausing around the next aisle corner to inhale a couple deep breaths and try to gather his composure. ”Fuck me. In a Rite Aid of all places.” Downey later returned to the same pharmacy to pick up additional personal items, including deodorant and toothpaste, that he was reportedly feeling too uncomfortable purchasing in Myers’ presence.

Poll: 95% Of Bands Looking For Slightly Better Horse Head Mask Drummer

HorseHeadAdmin — Tue, 15 May 2012 16:03:04 +0000

Manchester—According to a Gallup poll released earlier this week, 95 percent of struggling rock groups across the country are currently searching for a slightly better horse head mask drummer. “Nearly all bands canvassed indicated that, while their current horse head drummer could somewhat keep time and was ‘pretty average,’ they definitely wouldn’t mind performing with someone who could take on quicker rhythms and, as a bonus, maybe knew how to play a few more beats,” pollster Frank Jeffrey said. “Furthermore, most groups seemed to reveal they would absolutely be open to any horse head or non horse head mask wearing drummer who could just be slightly more versatile in general, like Mitch, who is completely awesome but is currently rocking out with those other tools who always let him sing lead vocals on a couple songs.” “Our current drummer has the tendency to just flail his arms around at random times for no reason…it’s rather disturbing and we believe it is related to that creepy mask Donny wears.” The Gallup poll also found that 73 percent of rock bands think it would be pretty bitchin’ to get a new band mate who could maybe play piano on a few tracks.

Stray Keystroke From Horse Head Masked Worker Creates Never Seen Before Character

HorseHeadAdmin — Sun, 13 May 2012 05:43:23 +0000

Braintree, MA—Following an errant keystroke combination Tuesday, local horse head employee Jeremy “horse face” Tooter’s computer displayed a mystical, never-before-seen typographic symbol that all experts have since verified does not belong to the written language of any human civilization, past or present. “I was holding down the Ctrl button and brushed something up near the Alt or Tilde key, and then this strange thing just appeared out of nowhere,” said Tooter, who described the phenomenon as looking something like a combination of Hindu script, a mathematical symbol, and the letter ”G.” Mary Watkins said: “Jeremy does shit like this all the time…he’s wearing a fucking horse head mask at work.”

“I tried over and over again to reproduce the keystrokes, but the character never reappeared. I promptly copied and pasted it into a separate Notepad document and hit save, fearing that no one would ever believe me otherwise had I not done so.” Archaeologists brought in to the office to study the unusual character produced by Jeremy said that while its yields no likeness to the iconography of any known human society anywhere on the planet, it is, in all likelihood, ”probably just another goddamn meme symbol.”